Oats & Coffee - Deeper Still Part 1

As you roll out of bed, after having gone back to sleep for an hour, you know that one thing, and one thing alone, might jolt you back into your body. Back into your life.

Oatmeal.

(Video Above: Oats & Coffee Performed live at Deeper Still: A Journey Through the Dark Night of the Soul. . Song, "Empty" by The Cranberries performed by Michelle Rocqet and Tyler Lindgren.)

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It’s here. Again.

The dizziness.

The exhaustion.

The clutching fear that this is as good as life gets, and that you will always feel exactly as you do in this moment.

And then you wake up. You breathe and say to yourself, “Fuck it. This is not going to get me. This is not going to take me down. Not this time. Not like this.”

As you roll out of bed, after having gone back to sleep for an hour, you know that one thing, and one thing alone, might jolt you back into your body. Back into your life.

Oatmeal.

Such a simple thing. Plain. Reliable.

Taking to the stove, you feel proud that you are able to remember the oats to water ratio without looking at the back of the package. You, a cook, and a damn good one at that, feel a little more alive because you remembered a simple 2:1 ratio.

As the oats slowly bubble, you tell yourself that today is a French Press coffee kind of a day. French Press is the sort of coffee that people like you have the luxury and time to drink. People who are alone. People who have no one to say good morning to. No children to tend to. No one to see you in this anxious state.

What once felt so painful - this loneliness - is now the safest place for you to hide.

You boil the water and lift three hefty spoonfuls of coarse black grounds into the glass press. You take comfort in the idea that black coffee and oats might lift you from this darkness, if only for a moment.

As your energy level rises from what feels like a cold clump of ashes to slightly smoldering, you decide that you have enough within you to do just a bit more. So you pour pure maple syrup into a hot pan with pumpkin seeds, granola, and a dash of salt and cinnamon until they bubble. Cinnamon, you’ve read, is medicinal. Maybe this is the medicine that will cure you?

You’re convinced that after you eat this carefully prepared meal, you’ll feel human again. You have to believe that the oats and black coffee will somehow be a turning point. You’ll remember this day, you think, as the one where you woke up, cared for your body, and saw your dark night turn to day.